The Year in Sex

SEX

GIRLS GONE WILD

What's a sure sign a sex symbol is headed for a fall? Flashing a bald beaver. In late 2006 (1) Britney Spears, (2) Paris Hilton and (3) Lindsay Lohan were all snapped going commando. Lindsay's 2007 was rehab-tastic. Before going to jail, Paris was the subject of (4) sculptor Dan­iel Edwards's Paris Hilton Autopsy, cautioning teens against underage drinking. And Britney? Poor Britney: Once the alpha Lolita, she has lost her sexual mojo and may lose her kids as well.

DNA DADS

Larry Birkhead

' proved he (and

not lawyer Howard K. Stern) had sired Anna Nicole I ¦ Smith's baby. Dannielynn. ^ Croatian actor Goran Visnjic (Eft's Dr. Kovac) agreed to test­ing when Mirela Rupic (inset) claimed he had fathered her infant girl, but then he failed to show up for the court date. The lab also fingered Eddie Murphy, new fiance of Tracey Edmonds, as the dad of Melanie "Scary Spice" Brown's daughter.

hs for

ocial conservatives

HATE THE SIN, BE THE SINNER

Bible-thumping, qay-bashinq Rever-

end Ted Haggard was forced to resign as president of the National Asso­ciation of Evangelicals after Mike Jones claimed they had had a three-year affair. Three weeks of treatment for sexual addiction later, a board of four ministers pronounced Haggard "completely heterosexual."

CELEBRITY SKIN

This year's famous doffers included a bare-assed and curvaceous Heidi Klum, who lamented in Arena magazine that she can no lon­ger squeeze into sample sizes, and Alicia Silverstone, who took a carnal path to pushing vegetarianism in TV and print ads.

THE SPORTING LIFE I

A year for physical feats! From left: To mark Barry Bondss new home-run record, we connected you with his ex-girlfriend Kim-berly Bell. Alex Rodriguez and his MVP stats were often spotted with Playboy Casting Calls model Joslyn Noel Morse. The L.A. Galaxy paid a fortune for David Beckham: months later aspiring actress and alleged fling Rebecca Loos headed to Tinseltown.

GIRL POWER

The race is raci est on the Inter net. Unofficial anc semiserious videc salutes to candi

dates were amonc

the year's most watched clips on YouTube. The fad kicked of with (1) Amber Lee "Obama Girl" Ettinger, then spread witt (2) Giuliani Girl, Adelina Kristina, (3) Hyla "I wanna have se: with Kucinich" Matthews and (4) Taryn "Hott 4 Hill" Southern

FIRST BABES CLUB

Is it icky or okay to have a trophy wife in the White House? As the primaries begin, the cameras can't get enough of second I and third wives Jeri Kehn Thompson -sj (below left, husband Fred's junior _ 7 by 24 years) and Elizabeth

- / ^^^ Kucinich (below right, fully half her spouse's age).

STRANGEST '

BEDFELLOWS

Fat-cat and union endorse­ments are so last election. Now porn stars are flash­ing their campaign colors. Jenna Jameson (left) says she'll vote for Clinton, while Savanna Samson's ballot box (right) belongs to Giu­liani. Samantha Sterlyng (above) uses her body as a canvas to express contempt for all things Bushie—not that you needed her to tell you Rumsfeld is an ass.

EUROS DO IT BETTER

For sexy stunts in the political arena, the Old World still wins. Belgian fringe candidate Tania Derveaux offered blow

jobs for votes, while ja Polish magazine depicted its country's leaders suckling at perman chancellor Angela Merkel. And only in France could the president get away with copping a feel while pinning a medal pn a yachtswoman.

STALLED CAREER

Idaho Republican sena­tor Larry Craig, long an outspoken opponent of homosexual rights, was busted by officer Dave

Karsnia after Craig sent suspi­cious stall signals in a Minneapolis air­port men's room. The John has since become a popular tourist attraction.

YOUR KISS IS ON MY LIST

(1) With his wife standing awkwardly by. Louisiana GOP senator David Vitter apologized when (2) his name showed up on the list of clients kept by alleged D.C. madam Deborah Jeane Palfrey and (3) he was ID'd as a former client by ex-hooker Wendy Ellis. (4) Bush administration abstinence advocate Randall ^^^^^m^^^^m^^ Tobias also fell victim to | Palfrey's bookkeeping.

CAUGHT OUT OF UNIFORM

Air Force staff sergeant Michelle Manhart resigned after losing her stripes over a playboy appearance. How is that supporting the tioops?

NO FCC IN WAY

Unhindered by government regulation, premium cable networks are airing the hottest dramatic series in TV history. These steamy tableaux are from (clockwise from top left) The Tudors (Show­time). Entouraae (HBO) and Rome (HBO).

OLD AND IN THE BUFF

First, TV censors banned, Doves spots featuring^ mature nudes; then

"pro-family" groups branded the ad campaign as exploitative. C'mon, be nice to Granny.

't

TITS AND MISSES

The past year was a mixed bag for beauty contestants: Miss Nevada USA Katie Rees (far left) lost her title when breast-licking, ass-baring shots of her and her girlfriends made the rounds; Amy Polumbo kept hers as Miss New Jersey despite the release of chest-chewing photos with her boyfriend (above). We take a different view: Isn't this a great tool for promoting pageants?

KISSED OFF

By enthusiastically smooching Bollywood

X actress Shilpa Shetty at a New Delhi AIDS-awareness event. Richard Gere — "'" earned an arrest warrant, which India's Supreme Court later sus­pended. If the authorities found this offensive, Gere can thank his lucky stars they never saw Runaway Bride.

A. Jessica Simpson. B. Jennifer Love Hewitt. C. Scarlett Johansson, D. Kate Beckinsale. E. Sandra Bullock. F. Kate Winslet

ANSWERS:

BREAST TEST 2007

Girl talk is a turn-on. Girls talking about those hypnotic glands we call hooters is better. And Hollywood sex symbols talking about their flaw­less fronts? Off the chart. We're giving you six cleavage shots, six quotes and the names of the six stars who said these things about their things. You know what to do. Perfect score? You watch too many awards shows.

1. "I am so fascinated by breasts because my mother didn't have them either."

2. "Maybe after having kids, if my boobs dropped down to my belly button, I would get them lifted."

3. "I'm proud of my breasts. I call them my girls."

4. "My breasts have a career of their own."

5. "I'd get really, really large breasts, really big knockers."

6.1 was nervous to show my bits because, after two children, not everything is in the same place."

GOING OUT WITH A BANG

After 10 years Jane magazine ceased publication with an issue featuring, among other ce­lebs, Serena Will­iams (left) and Kate Dillon (be­low), taking it all off for charity-

LAGER? WE HARDLY KNOW HER

Belgian brewer Brouwerij Huyghe introduced its Rubbel Sexy Lager. The space-age label features a model whose swimsuit melts away when the image is rubbed.

ALLAH BIG MISUNDERSTANDING

playboy Indonesia editor Erwin Arnada. facing 32 months in jail on indecency charges, was cleared. The magazine, which is pictorially as racy as a Victorias Secret cat­alog, incensed radical Islamists when it launched in 2006.

OH, WAS THAT CAMERA RUNNING?

Kim Kardashian (below) insists she wasn't involvec in releasing the video of her and ex-boyfriend Ray J'j romantic exploits, but she reportedly got a big-buckj settlement. Top British pinup Keeley Hazell (right) is more than just a perfect chest. As her unauthorizec bedroom clip demonstrates, she gives porn-star-qualit> fellatio. Dustin "Screech" Diamond, of Saved by the Bell fame, earned scathing reviews foi his performance in Screeched (inset). Sorry, a rumored sex tape of Eva Longoria turned out to be a hoax.

SMELL ME, I'M TOM

Were shocked—shocked—at designer Tom Ford's over-the-top sexy advertisement for his own fragrance. After all, this is the guy who put pubes in an ad for Gucci and a real live schlong in one for Yves Saint Laurent. Ladies, don't let this image give you the wrong idea: The bottle does not take AA batteries.

THE YEAR IN S E.X

JUST AS

Al

lA/ADKJCn

Bulgarian Doraeno owners have been forced to hire temps, and they're blaming global warming. Their "elite girls." they say. are off working in ski resorts, where the lack of snow leaves tourists with little else to do.

GOOD VIBES

The Talking Head vibrator has a built-in MP3 player to play music or sweet nothings from an absent lover.

BAD VIBES

'Not for use in Cyprus" reads the ad for Love Bug 2. a vibrator from Ann Summers. The islands military is con­cerned the gadget's electronic waves will disrupt army radio frequencies.

EARLY BIRD'S DELIGHT

In Germany, the graying of the pop­ulace has inspired Koln's famed whorehouse Pascha to offer pension­ers, age 66 and up, half off for sex from noon to five daily.

MASTER OF HIS DOMAIN

After Conan O'Brien mentioned the fictional college-mascot website

GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS

When Hugh Hefner donated money to animal shelters in the Florida Keys, where feral felines are killing rabbits of the species Sylvilagus palustris hef-neri—which was named after him—the shelters' director dubbed her handsom­est cat Hef. then had him neutered.

THE PRICE OF WRONGS

The U.S. Catholic Church has paid victims of clergy sex­ual abuse at least an est­imated S2.3 billion since 1950—near-

ly half of it in the past year.

CALLING IT QUITS

When a racy billboard (above) for a Chicago law firm's divorce services proved controversial, city officials ordered that it be taken down, citing a technicality: The attorneys reportedly hadn't applied for the proper permit.

BOOK NUTS

Librarians vowed to ban the New-bery Medal-winning children's book The Higher Power of Lucky over the appearance of the word scrotum on its first page.

SAFE SEX AND THE CITY

New York City began distributing its own official condom.

ARE YOU JELLIN?

An Asian men's health group issued a report classifying four different levels of erectile hardness: cucumber, banana, peeled banana and konjac jelly.

REPTILE DYSFUNCTION

Flora, a Komodo dragon at the Ches­ter Zoo in the United Kingdom, gave birth to five hatchlings without hav­ing had any known contact with a male partner.

NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED

When Pakistan tourism minister Nilo-far Bakhtiar completed a parachute jump to raise money for victims of the country's 2005 earthquake, she celebrated by hugging her instructor. Her wanton behavior earned severe punishment: She became the target of a fatwa issued by Islamist clerics and resigned from her cabinet posi­tion. She was also sacked as head of the women's wing of the Pakistan Muslim League.

KOCH OFF GUARD

Time Out New York's Alison Rosen to ex-New York may­or Ed Koch: "Are you gay?" Koch: "When was the last time you performed oral sex on your boyfriend?" Rosen: "Well, I'm single now, so it was a long time ago." Koch: "See, I don't think you should answer that ques-

tion. It's an improper question, ana

so is yours. My sexual orienta­tion is none of your business, and whethe or not you performed a^ oral sex on

your boyfriend is none of my business."

TOO LITTLE SUPPORT

In Heteren, the Netherlands. Fitworld gym's first Naked Sunday, when mem­bers can work out in the nude, was attended by just 12 people—all men.

TINKER MY BELL

The Walt Disney Company is now offer­ing—we're not making this up — Fairy Tale Weddings for gay cou­ples at its

resorts and on its cruise ships.

LUST IN SPACE

The embarrassing space-age love triangle that entangled Air Force Captain Colleen Shipman and astronauts Lisa Nowak and Bill Oefelein grabbed the nation's attention mostly because the married Nowak (alleg­edly wearing an adult diaper to avoid pit stops) drove from Houston to Orlando to spritz her rival with pepper spray. Charges — ___ are pending.

HEADED FOR A FALL

On its website Us Weekly magazine issued the following warning to the often conspicuously braless Victoria Beckham: "Keep shunning that bra and in five years you'll end up with pendulums hanging off your clavicle that hubby David Beckham might mistake for soccer-ball bags '