Bob Saget

Want to discover your inner filthmonger? The host of / vs. 100

is happy to share stories and jokes so dirty he ends up

shocking himself—and that's not easy

Q1

PLAYBOY: You're the host of the NBC game show 7 vs. 700 Did you take the gig for the fat paycheck or because of your sincere love for trivia? SACET: I'd be a liar if I didn't say its the com­pensation. I'm not doing it for college credit. But I'm also a fan of the quiz-show format. Ill be honest When NBC offered it to me, I was a little confused. I saw a movie on the Internet about a woman who had sex with 100 guys, and I thought that's what they meant by 7 vs. 700. I thought it was going to be 100 women and me Boy. was I wrong.

Q2

PLAYBOY: Do fans of Full House and America's Funniest Home Videos still get upset when they see you perform your stand-up comedy and find out you have a dirty mouth? SACET: I guess it bothers some people. I've gotten positive and negative reactions. People watch my stand-up and then say things like "How can you taint your image like that1 You had this wonderful family image, and then you tainted it." Well, you know what the taint is. don't you7 Taint ass nor balls. It's somewhere in the middle.

That's where I like to be. Not literally, of course. I don't want to be anywhere near an actual taint. I mean in my career. I can be a dirty prick or a family-oriented TV guy. and in my heart I don't feel as if I'm wavering.

9

PLAYBOY: Are you a filthy comic who ended

up on a family TV show or a family-friendly actor who discovered his inner fishmonger' SACET: I was always a little filthy. I had to be toned down for Full House, but we had a lot of fun on the set. My co-stars John Stamos and Dave Coulier and I were always getting into trouble and making loud, inappropriate comments. Let's just say there was a lot of scolding going on. We had a donkey in one of the episodes, and it took a shit onstage in front of the audience It also got a really big erection. We started calling the donkey Pep­per Mill because it had a gigantic cock. I was just amazed by it. How do you get aroused and take a crap at the same time' So things like that would happen, and I'd be sweating because of all the comments running though my head, which of course Id never say out loud because there were children on the set.

Q4

PLAYBOY: Don't tease us like that. Bob. What is your most shameful memory from Full House1

SACET: You really want to hear this? Well, on the day in question we were blocking a scene. It was just me and the camera guys; there were no children on the set. We had this four-foot-tall plastic doll that was a stand-in for my daughter when the girls were in school. So I was onstage, just me and this plastic doll, sit­ting on the bed, and...and then I did...some bad things to it. [toughs] This sounds terrible, doesn't it? I didn't personalize the doll or make it into anyone who existed on this earth. It was just...the doll's head spun around. Have I men­tioned that yet? It was double-jointed. You could hold it by one leg and spin it. Oh Cod. why am I telling you this? When this interview is over I'm going to hate myself. In my defense, the doll was probably asking for it. I'm pretty sure it was winking at me. And from what I understand, it was completely of age.

Q5

PLAYBOY: What do you consider offensive7 SACET: Genuine cruelty and lack of kindness offend me. I love (continued on page 116)

BOB SAOKT

(continued jmm page 69) freedom of speech, but I'm not a big fan of freedom of action. I don't want to see any of the things I talk about in my act manifested in live action. That would be a snuff film, I guess. I don't really care for snuff films. The only thing I like about snuff is that it's all done in one take. You shoot a scene, and then everybody can go home. See, I have no problem mak­ing a joke like that, but I'd never actually want to watch a snuff film. I can't look at real acts of cruelty. And I don't enjoy watching people self-mutilate.

Q6

PLAYBOY: We take it you're not a big fan of Jackass?

saget I think those guys are really funny, but I can't watch it. I have a Jewish mother in me. I worry too much about Steve-O and Johnny Knoxville to enjoy the humor of it. I don't want to see them get hurt. Remember that episode when Johnny was locked in an outhouse full of shit, and they rolled it down a hill? All I could think was, Can't he die that way? I can't look at anything involving bodily fluids or anything fecal.

Q7

puayboy: We've all heard sexual euphe­misms like rusty trombone and hot Carl and Cleveland steamer. Would you invent some new dirty slang for us? SAGET: Frowning salmon. That's what your penis looks like when you're being taken out of any kind of surgery. It could also be the smiling salmon, depending on your perspective. The hole at the end of your penis—which, if I'm not mistaken, is called the ure­thra—can look like either a smile or a frown. If your penis is frowning and you want to turn that frown upside down, you could always take a Sharpie marker and, much like a puppeteer, draw a happy face on it.

Q8

playboy: In The Aristocrats you tell a graphic version of the Aristocrats joke, then scold yourself for going too far. Is that a pretty good reflection of how your brain works? SAGET: Yes, that's exactly it. I'm like the 10-year-old kid who pulls down his aunt's pants in the parking lot and then everybody laughs and he feels guilty for doing it and apologizes. I'm my own worst critic, which goes along nicely with my self-loathing. When I say something terrible and somebody says "That's not funny," I'll always apologize and feel bad about it. But then a few seconds later I'll crack up and think of nine more horrible things to embellish the joke. I just don't know when to shut up.

Q9

playbov As the longtime host of America's Funniest Home Videos, you've seen it all. What is the funniest way a person can endure pain?

SAGET: The best funny videos have a happy ending. If you're watching a guy fall into a manhole, your first instinct is to laugh, but then you worry he may be hurt. If he crawls out of the manhole, you get a bigger laugh because he's not dead. If he's dead, you should probably call 911. In fact, you definitely should. If he crawls out, laugh your ass off.

playboy Since you brought it up, let's talk about interspecies romance and your now infamous joke song "My Dog Licked My Balls." What inspired you to write those lyrics, other than the obvious? sageT: Well, obviously it was my dog lick­ing my balls. I would like to state for the record that he made the first move. I'm kind of the innocent one here. My dog Allen, who has since passed away, was a King Charles spaniel. He became very ill with prostate cancer, and ironically, at the same time my dad had some cancer on his nose. I started to get suspicious when mv father would come over and

Allen would run out of the room. So 1 put two and two together. 1 accused my dad of sticking his nose up my dog's ass. He denied it, of course.

Qit

playboy: Speaking of animal sex. your last directorial effort. Fain- oj the Penguins. was a pseudodocumentarv about pen­guins trying to get laid. Do you consider it a sex romp or a love story? SAC.KT: It's a love story. It's about mar­riage and true friendship and how love can conquer all. Tracy Morgan's charac­ter really sums it up best: "It takes a big man to forgive his friend after he busts his woman's booty hole open." That line was all Tracy. I did not write "busts his woman's booty hole open." The exact dialogue was "accidentally fucks your girlfriend in the ass." Tracy cleaned it up and made it smarter.

Q12

playboy: You were a contestant on The Dating Game in 1979 and were even picked as the winning bachelor. Is it safe to assume you didn't say something wildly offensive?

sacet: I was actually on The Dating Game twice. I lost the first time, prob­ably because I told the lady I wanted to fill a sock with meat and have her beat me with it. I'm not making this up. She didn't vote for me. She voted for the guy who was the most normal of the group. I did a lot better the second time, but I already had a girlfriend, which was kind of awkward. The girl who picked me just assumed I was available. We won a romantic vacation to Guatemala, but a week later they had a civil war there and soldiers were opening Fire on people as they got off the plane.

Q.13

PHYBOY: You're a divorced man. Do you play the field, or have you given up on the dating scene?

saget: I have a girlfriend, so I don't date anymore. I love women very much, and they are my biggest problem. I'm very con­fused by them. I desire them in inappro­priate ways. I have a strong attraction to the GPS voice in my car. I'm hoping to talk my girlfriend into a three-way. Is that even possible? I just fantasize about her saying "Make a left" before her voice be­comes muffled. I guess what I'm trying to say is I want to mouth-rape the GPS lady.

playbov You had to reschedule this inter­view- because of your colonoscopy. We would be remiss if we didn't ask if you received a clean bill of health. saget: I don't have cancer of the ass. I'm 52 now, and my daughter told me it was time to go to the butt doctor. I went to the butt doctor and he said, "That's not a very nice thing to call me. Nobody goes to medical school hoping people will call him a butt doctor." I don't know if you've ever had a colonoscopy, but they basically drug you and knock you out so you can take a crap, which is how I spend most of my life anyway. Everything is fine, and I don't have to see the butt doctor again for another five years. It's kind of like doing a comedy special. You just come back with all new stuff in your bowels.

Q15

playboy: You've said your late father was one of your biggest influences. What did he teach you about comedy? saget: He was just nuts, and he knew how to make us laugh during times of trouble. I remember one morning as a kid I didn't

want to go to school, and I was in a ter­rible mood about it. So my dad, just to make me laugh, put on a jacket and tie and underpants and black socks and shoes and walked out the door. He said good­bye to the family, picked up his keys and briefcase and walked straight out the front door. I'm glad he remembered his keys. That would've been a rough lockout. I was impressed with how he could see the humor in anything. We've had a lot of trag­edy in our family, but he was always able to have that Cheshire cat grin on his face.

Q15

playboy: Is comedy a coping mechanism for you? Do you tell jokes to shelter your­self from pain?

saget: Sometimes, yeah, I guess it is. It definitely has been when I've lost people close to me. My dad's funeral was a laugh riot. I wish I had another dad so I could bury him, too. It was so much fun. At the funeral I gave a speech, kind of a send-off to my dad, and my friend Brad intro­duced me. He said, "On Ben's last day on earth"—Ben is my father's name—"he was watching Bob's movie Farce of the Penguins. And Ben's last words were 'For the love of God, somebody turn this off!'" Then I went up and said, "I knew my movie killed, but I had no idea to what extent."

playboy: You've claimed your daughters enjoy your sense of humor. Is that true, or do they just tolerate it? saget: I think it's a little bit of both. Unlike me, my daughters are really savvy and smart. They rarely curse, and they're not

dirty at all. I've installed infrared cameras to try to catch them in the act. They never judge me for anything 1 sav onstage, even when it embarrasses them. I'm the only hypocrite in the family. Sometimes if I hear them cursing, I'll say something like "Please don't use words like that." I really do want to be a good parent, but I know it's a double-edged sword. How can I tell them to watch their language one minute, and the next minute I'm onstage talking about diarrhea and prison sex?

Q18

pi.wbov: Legend has it that after the birth of your daughter you told a comedian friend he could "finger her for a dollar." You didn't really say that, did you? saget: I can't lie and say it didn't happen. The thing is, it was a very traumatic birth, and we almost lost my ex-wife. She was in intensive care the entire time. Paul Provenza, who directed The Aristocrats, came to visit me in the hospital. I was holding my baby, and I hadn't slept and I'd been crying for four days. So obviously I wasn't thinking clearly and.... [sighs deeply] I've said things I wish I could do over, and this would be at the top of the list. I guess the only thing I can say in my defense is I should've asked for more than a dollar. It should've been at least five bucks. This is my daughter, for God's sake.

Q19

playboy: Most of your fans are college kids. Do you feel like the wise elder or the male equivalent of a MILK? SAGtr Oh, I'm definitely a DILF. .At least I hope I am. I'm a wannabe DILF. I'll do a college show and thousands of kids will be there, and the girls will flash me their tits. Then I'll show them mine because my man boobs are coming in pretty good this year. I'm just getting a lot of posiliveness from my audiences that I don't take lightly. I've been through so many ebbs and Hows in my career; when an audience gives me any sort of positive reaction I just want to fluff 'em. I want to fluff my audience. Actually, no, that's not true. I know where they've been. I can smell them from the stage.

Q2O

playboy: People either love you or hate you. Does that bother you, or is it better to be hated than ignored? sack I: I try to keep the negative out of my life. I'm already hard enough on myself. But I'm always curious about why people dislike me. I could have 10,000 people love me, but if just two people say "He sucks," I can get obsessive. How do I suck, exactly? I honestly want to know. When I was a kid my mom used to say to me, "You know, not everybody in the world is going to like you." And I'd just look at her and say, "Yeah, but I need names."

Read the 21st question at playboy.com/21q.