IN SEARCH OF THE #20BITEEN MAN

“I don’t think I could date a bi guy,” a friend recently told me. “I’d be constantly paranoid that he’d want to leave.”

I had giddily sent her a picture and some quick facts about the man I was going out with that night—bi, a dad, a scientist—which I usually do before a date, both out of excitement and for my safety. But when I got my friend’s response, my stomach dropped, even though it was hardly the first time I’d heard something like it.

As a sex columnist, I strive to clear up myths, whether they’re rooted in fact (blue balls) or not (“accidental” anal). I’ve written about baby play, sex dolls and furries, and no one has batted an eye in terms of accepting their validity. Yet male bisexuality remains a blind spot even in my relatively progressive inner circle. I’ve been asked if I worry about being cheated on or contracting an STI and why I bother dating bi men if they “all end up with other guys anyway.” I thought the rise of the hashtag #20BiTeen would help, but scrolling through the posts, I see next to no men. The only place I find any is in my dating-app DMs. So where are they?

The 2016 National Survey of Family Growth shows that 1.8 percent of adult men and 5.6 percent of adult women ages 18 to 44 identify as bisexual. (Bisexuality was first widely recognized as an orientation by the scientific community in the 1950s.) Those numbers have been rising incrementally, and search-engine statistics suggest they’ll continue to do so: Since 2016, searches for “bisexual test” have risen by 90 percent, “Am I bi? quiz” by 182 percent and “signs of bisexuality in males” by a whopping 2,147 percent, according to a global study conducted by SEMrush. But the NSFG research also indicates that far more people have had same-sex sexual encounters than ultimately identify as bi. This discrepancy has come up in the data for the past 30 years—despite the fact that in large, population-based studies, bisexual behavior is more common than purely lesbian or gay behavior.

Kerith Conron, research director at the UCLA School of Law’s Williams Institute, who specializes in health inequities in the LGBTQ community, has also observed the gap between behavior and identification. “Among men 18 to 44, almost six percent report some sexual attraction to men in addition to women,” she explains. “And then when we look at behavior, about five percent of men in the 18-to-44 age group report having had oral sex with another man in their lifetime.” This data stands in stark contrast to the NSFG study’s 1.8 percent of men who self-identify as bisexual.

The behavior-identification gap is shrinking at a slower pace for men. That’s largely due to stigma: Conron’s research has shown that societal attitudes toward female sexuality are more open and fluid, while tolerance for men who have slept with other men is still low. After all, “No homo” and “That’s so gay” linger in our lexicon.

“Bisexual men aren’t stupid—they know to anticipate a negative reaction,” says Brian Dodge, professor at Indiana University Bloomington’s School of Public Health. “We’ve had participants in studies say, ‘I’d lose my family, I’d lose my kids, I’d lose everything.’ Disclosure is complicated.”

A leading researcher on male bisexuality, Dodge conducted a study on biases toward bisexual people. He explored people’s perceptions in relation to five common stereotypes: that bi people are confused, prone to sexually transmitted infections, unfaithful, promiscuous and/or going through a phase. From there, he created BIAS (Bisexualities: Indiana Attitudes Scale) to measure those attitudes. Dodge believes the most damaging notions concern erasure—the belief that bisexual people are confused or that their sexuality is temporary. He explains that bisexuality requires constant validation, “whereas when someone says, ‘I’m gay,’ it’s just sort of taken at face value now. None of the stereotypes are fun, but the invalidation of existence—you’re confused, you’re just experimenting—all those things fall under that umbrella.”

Regarding the idea that bisexual people are more likely to be unfaithful in relationships, neither Dodge nor Conron have seen data to support that assumption. And when it comes to STI risk, recent statistical research shows that the numbers of heterosexual men and bisexual men who are HIV-positive are likely nearly identical.

Even within their own populations, bisexual people face daunting challenges when it comes to identity. We’ve seen new language emerge in recent years to articulate a greater number of sexual categories—fluid, heteroflexible, pansexual—and while that is undoubtedly a good thing, it can create a fracturing effect. People are claiming myriad sexual minorities because there are more words to describe their orientations and desires, but with each categorization comes a need to belong within that category. Bisexuals are getting siloed within their own community.

And then there’s the problematic connotation of “bi”: The term bisexual has come under scrutiny for excluding non-binary and transgender people. But shrugging off a word that has helped define you, especially from the margins, is easier said than done. And in recent studies Dodge has noted that people with identities outside the binary are the most accepting of bisexuality, followed by gay and lesbian people—and, lastly, heterosexual men.

The combination of tensions within the LGBTQ community and poor attitudes from the heterosexual mainstream leads to double discrimination. It’s not hard to imagine the effect that prolonged societal stigma and lack of solidarity would have on mental health: Bisexual individuals consistently report higher rates of mental health disorders, substance abuse and suicidal ideation, even when compared with other groups within the LGBTQ community.

Despite it all, men are thinking about bisexuality. They’re googling it. They may even be engaging in it—though not many of them are coming out. But they do exist, and they have a lot to say. I sat down with five men to talk about what it’s like being bi and proud in #20BiTeen.

ON TERMINOLOGY

DOMINIC MINOR

Age: 29 Location: Minneapolis Occupation: sales Status: single I identify as bi in addition to identifying as queer. Even though I’m relatively young, I’m still old-school, so I kind of existed before there was really language outside the binary.

TRAVON FREE

Age: 34 Location: Los Angeles Occupation: TV/movie writer; comedian Status: single Bisexual is not an exclusion of anything else; I will literally date anyone. The term implies two but also everything else under that umbrella of identity.

GRAHAM ROEBUCK

Age: 30 Location: Toronto Occupation: sales (eyewear industry) Status: dating a gender-nonconforming person I think there’s value in bisexual as a reclaimed term, because at a certain point it was used disparagingly. To take that term and own it, I think there’s power in that.

ON COMING OF AGE

FREE: Where I grew up, in Compton, you don’t want to be anything but straight. I knew as a child I was different, but I didn’t have a word for it; I didn’t have any way of even knowing what it was. The world is built to tell you that boys like girls and girls like boys, so because that felt natural too, it didn’t feel like I was pretending. But then you get to high school—I remember seeing a guy and being like, I kind of see him the same way I see her. And because I didn’t know anything about bisexuality, it was like, Am I gay? And then once I started having sex with my high school girlfriend, I was like, Well, it’s definitely not that, but what is this other thing? There was no way to explore anything sexual with a boy where I was growing up, so it became a thing that just sat in my mind. I remember googling around and stumbling on bisexuality. I read the description and was like, Oh, maybe this is me. This feels like home.

JASON ELLIS

Age: 47 Location: Los Angeles Occupation: SiriusXM radio host Status: married to a woman I had a crush on [Metallica frontman] James Hetfield, but I didn’t want to have sex with him at all. It would be a complete ruiner if he were to take his pants off. But I definitely wanted to have sex with Olivia Newton-John and Joan Jett.

JACK MOORE

Age: 31 Location: Los Angeles Occupation: writer and producer Status: dating a woman You go through those weird junior-high times where you’re at a sleepover and they put on porn and there’s a low-key circle jerk happening. I found myself more drawn to the other dudes jerking off than to whatever porn was on TV. So for a while you walk around with that rattling around in your head: Am I gay? Am I gay? Am I gay? I must be gay. Then at some point you think, No, I still really love watching straight porn. I would ask my gay friends, “You know that gay thing where you still love eating pussy?” and they would be like, “No, I do not know that thing.” So instead of identifying as bi, you think, Well, maybe I’m going through a healthy experimentation phase. Then you’re like, I’m straight but experienced. And then you realize, No, I still really wanna give blow jobs, and those things aren’t mutually exclusive.

At some point, coming out as bisexual is less of a decision than it is throwing up your arms and being okay with all of the above. Sometimes the right answer is that there is no answer, or that it’s all an answer. It’s not this one moment where you’re like, “Oh, I’m bisexual!” It’s this long journey to a shoulder shrug.

ON COMING OUT

ROEBUCK: I live a double life a little bit. Heterosexuality is the assumed default, so it’s easy to just let people assume that and accept the privileges that come along with it, but at the same time I wish it was easier to not have to do that. There have been a lot of times when I haven’t been out at my workplace because I have a fear of not being believed or of people thinking I’m doing it for attention. I can sort of tell by people’s attitudes that they might not react in a positive way, so I’m not going to bring it up. I’m trying to work on that.

ELLIS: Coming out was a very long process. I had someone tell me, “It’s okay you’re bi, but you better not tell anybody, because it’ll end your business.” I see where he was coming from: It was about people not being cool about it because I’m so hetero-looking. I’m into boxing, I have guns, I have children—all the things you’re not “supposed” to have. They just don’t understand the other side. They’re not trying to be mean. They’ll say, “Whoa, you’re fuckin’ what?” But even that’s hurtful.

MOORE: There were a few months when I went off the ladies altogether and was like, This is what it’s like to be gay. But even then I never came out, because it still didn’t feel right. The whole coming-out-as-bi process is this long, drawn-out thing of trying on hats and being like, No, this one doesn’t quite fit right and neither does this one, until you’re just like, Wow, I think I just like all the hats.

ON DATING AND RELATIONSHIPS

FREE: With women, it’s having to reassure them that all the misconceptions they have about bi men just aren’t true. It always feels like an interview, like an interrogation. It’s not like I’m with you and I’m going to say, “You’re great, but I’d really love a guy.” Like I’m craving a burger or something—that’s how they think it works! “I know I’ve been a vegetarian for a long time, but, man, I could go for a steak. It’s been so long and there are so many steakhouses!” If I’m in love with you, and I’m dating you, that’s what we’re doing.

MOORE: I was literally called a faggot by a liberal woman I was on a date with in 2011 after she had just confessed to me that she was bisexual. I have to say I don’t fault her, because I think she had a lot of internalized homophobia, but she essentially said, “It’s different for boys, and you know that.”

ELLIS: With guys, my dynamic is “You’re my friend and we have sex.” I can love you like I have love for my guy friends I don’t have sex with, and if I sleep with a gay guy, we’re just friends, not lovers.

MINOR: The idea that I’ll leave a woman for a man is hilarious. It’s just you trying to escape the fact that I’ll leave you for you, which is the only reason I’m gonna leave.

ON ERASURE

ROEBUCK: I think a lot of times people assume that if you’re in a straight-presenting relationship you’re somehow not bisexual anymore—or in the opposite sense, that you’ve picked a side. But that’s not how it works. My sexual identity doesn’t change depending on who I’m dating; it remains the same.

MOORE: The number of gay men who say to me, “Oh, honey, I was bi for a little bit; you’ll come around,” infuriates me. And then I have bisexual friends who are more femme, and nobody believes them. People look at me and are like, “Yeah, he wants to talk to me about LeBron James—that’s something a woman-fucker would say.” Whereas with one of my friends who’s much femmier, people are like, “Oh no, he’s definitely gay.” Don’t presume to know what somebody wants.

MINOR: I’ve doubted it, and I’ve had it doubted by other people. Doubting my sexuality is the same to me as doubting my blackness. When you’re in a marginalized group based on external factors, you don’t get the choice. Especially in black culture: If you suck dick, you’re gay. Period. You will be responded to, reacted to and treated as gay. You can question all these things, but does it change how you’re responded to? I can feel white all day, but I’m still gonna be black.

ON COMMUNITY

MOORE: It’s hard to be bisexual. Straight people don’t really want you and gay people don’t really want you, so it’s easier to be closeted about it. Sometimes it’s easier to identify as gay when you’re with a man and as straight when you’re with a woman, because who would want to be lost between gay people and straight people who are telling you that you don’t exist?

FREE: I personally don’t feel I have a community within the community. I see so many things done in the name of LGBTQ events and fund-raisers and all types of things, but no one acknowledges the fact that everything gays and lesbians feel in terms of stressors, mental health and things like suicide are experienced multiple times over by bi people, because they don’t have a community within the straight community and they don’t have a community within their own community—with the people who should be accepting and protecting them.

ELLIS: I don’t feel connected to the community at all. I want to be more a part of it, because I don’t see people who look like me out there talking. There is a community in there. Most of the time it’s organized adults having a really good time, and I feel like people don’t even know about it. I’m so happy I’ve gotten to experience that, because if I had stayed closed off maybe I never would have understood how much enjoyment I could have in my life.

ON VISIBILITY

MOORE: This is changing, but for a long time my line for this was “I’m the only bisexual man I know, but I’ve fucked a lot of straight guys.” It’s getting better, but that’s still the situation for the most part.

MINOR: I believe that as a culture, men are conditioned to hide [their bisexual desires], and they’re stubborn enough to do it for their entire lives. I believe that hundreds of thousands of men who have the potential to be in love and live their best life and have plenty of same-sex experiences will just go without it because of conditioning and whatnot. So in practice, I don’t see a lot of bi men.

FREE: I’ve always felt that if I have to die for my identity, I’m okay with that. If you’re going to be visible, on some level you have to make peace with that. To me, the silence is worse, because if we remain silent, it allows their voices to grow. I think we’ve made the progress we’ve made because we’ve refused to be silent.

I’m not even saying don’t be afraid. Feel the fear and walk through it, because every time you’ve come out the other side unscathed or breathing, you’ve gotten that much stronger. When people say things like “Be fearless and be brave,” it’s like, no—you can be fearful, but do it anyway.

ON FREEDOM

FREE: I love that I get to experience the best of men and women. I love that I get to walk outside every day and know that my love isn’t limited to male or female, and that it allows me to see so much beauty in so many people who identify as so many things across the spectrum. I feel the world is so much more beautiful to me because I’m not stuck in one camp.

ROEBUCK: I think having accepted my own bisexuality has led me down a path of being more accepting of other gender expressions and all sorts of things, and I think it’s been really healthy. I started painting my nails recently. I’m not brave enough to wear it to work, but I do it on my days off. It has let me think of new ways to express myself, I guess. I don’t have to be pigeonholed into one path of what masculinity can be.

MINOR: I’m an equal-opportunity ho! I don’t have to play a character. I’m showing up in my sweatshirt and bucket hat, and I just might be kissing a guy, I might be kissing a girl, I might be kissing a neither, and that’s just what’s up. Same bucket hat, different partner, and people appreciate that because it contributes to the visual of what bi means. You don’t have to always present it, which hopefully gets across the message that you can’t assume. I kind of like that I pass as straight and I’ll walk in and be like, “Yeah, suckin’ dick was crazy.”

MOORE: People always use that Maya Angelou quote “When someone tells you who they are, believe them” to talk about evil people, but I want to flip that on its head and make it about bisexuality. When someone tells you who they are, believe them. Don’t act like you know better, because you definitely don’t.

ELLIS: If I had to [pretend to be straight], I would break. Something would break. I’ve done that. I can’t not be me. I like hanging out with my kids, I like the sun, I like skateboarding, I like having sex with guys. A lot. That’s my thing—you can’t take that away from me. It’s who I am.