Editor’s note: This question comes from the inbox of Cate Osborn, frequent Playboy contributor and Playboy Club creator.
Q: My partner is on meds for his depression and anxiety that affect his sexual performance. I love it when I make him cum, but it’s become a huge task that I can’t always complete. I know he is frustrated too. How do I handle this?
Cate Osborn: As a proud “this medication saved my life” member of Prozac nation (well, fluoxetine, who can afford name brand these days), I get it.
First things first, it may be useful for your partner to hear that he is not alone. Recent studies indicate that up to 80% of people who take SSRIs, SNRIs and some TCAs for their depression struggle with orgasm. Even unmedicated and/or undiagnosed, 50-70% of people with depression deal with the same issue. It is incredibly common, but speaking from personal experience, it’s also incredibly frustrating.
My first piece of advice is to talk to him kindly, compassionately and directly about the issue. Before you do *anything* else, you need to confirm that he is, in fact, frustrated. If he’s already expressed that to you, great. If not, I caution to you be aware if you’re doing your partner’s thinking for him. He may not be frustrated, he may be content with intimacy without orgasm, or he may not be ready to talk about it yet. Many doctors also simply give the advice of “wait and see if it improves”, so get on the same page with your partner as to where he is on this journey.
The next thing I can offer is that orgasm never has to be the goal. I get hundreds of messages a week from people who are disappointed and frustrated with their sex life because each and every sexual encounter doesn’t end with a simultaneous earth-shattering orgasm, but in reality, sex and intimacy can look very different on different people, different bodies need different sensations to cum, and the majority of partners don’t cum together. Your intimate experiences are still valid even if there isn’t any cumming at all.
Cate Osborn: To Orgasm or Not?
It’s valid to want to experience that release, but many times, we interchange “being physically intimate” with “achieving an orgasm”, and they are two different things that happen in different ways. You can offer your partner physical intimacy without the pressure of an “expected” orgasm at the end. This can often ease the internal pressure of “if i don’t cum she’s going to think I think she’s doing a bad job” or “I’ll have let her down” as well as simply give you more time to enjoy each other. If you slow down with intentionality and intimacy, you won’t be racing to the finish line (so to speak). A great way to practice this is to ask each other how you want to feel during this particular instance of intimacy- do you want to feel safe? Loved? Worshiped? Degraded? Used? All of these are valid answers, but knowing ahead of time might help to define the particular activities or types of touch you may want to utilize.
It’s fairly common for medicated folks to struggle with orgasm even when masturbating, but you might consider asking him “tap in” and take over for awhile once you’ve got him going- it has nothing to do with your skills or ability as a partner, he knows his own body and his own preferences, and sometimes, doing *exactly* what he knows will work can deliver an elusive orgasm. You also might consider introducing a toy- cock rings, in particular, are good at slightly restricting blood flow to the penis, which can result in a harder and longer-lasting erection. (As a personal note, I fucking hate that we call them ‘sex toys’. Sex “Tools that are an important part of achieving pleasure for many people” is a much better name. If he’s struggling to the point it’s affecting his life and/or your relationship, it’s also important to talk to his prescribing doctor- not-so-fun-fact: lack of sexual satisfaction is one of the most under-reported side effects- nearly half of the medication-taking population won’t report the issue unless directly asked. Sometimes, therapy and/or couple’s counseling can also be useful in facilitating more trauma-based and experience-informed solutions.
What I will leave you with is this- regardless of the type of intimacy, sex should never be something you just endure or put up with because you’re trying to reach “the end”. Be patient, be curious, ask specific, intentional questions of your partner about what feels good, what feels better, what feels worse, do you like it when I _______? How does it feel when I __________? Even if his orgasms continue to be something he struggles with due to his medication, it’s only going to improve your communication, your intimacy, and your trust and respect for each other.
More from Cate Osborn:
Confessions of a Burnt Out Submissive Brat With a Praise Kink
A Day in the Life of a Disabled Person Who, Yes, Has Sex