During the mid-aughts, MTV aired a plethora of reality dating shows that pushed the boundaries of trashy self-exploitation. In one of the most notorious shows, Room Raiders, a number of strangers were faux-kidnapped, thrown into a van, and forced to watch a live stream of their shared love interest scavenging through their bedrooms. At the end of each episode, the object of affection would choose the contestant with the least atrocious bedroom. Throughout the show’s two seasons, there were numerous recurring gags and tropes: bed-sheets were revealed to be a petri-dish of DNA after a blacklight inspection, computers caught in the midst of pirating porn and so on. So many years later, I still think about the show sometimes during the latter half of a Tinder date or when a friend jokes about going home with an attractive guy, only to find a carefully placed annotated Malcolm Gladwell book resting on his nightstand. While no one should go to such extremes that they appear forced, there are certain red flags to keep a look out for in the bedroom. But what are those red flags?
According to Amy Andersen, founder and CEO of the matchmaking service Linx Dating, a bedroom is a “private sanctuary” that “should not necessarily reflect your personality.” She suggests that regardless of one’s specific occupation or interests, a bedroom’s aesthetic should be generally neutral. Andersen’s list of bedroom “no-no’s” are comprised of design choices that signify a lack of restraint: “wild colors”; “too many pillows”; “silly loud artwork.” She advises that in addition to keeping things tasteful, people should maintain a high level of cleanliness by ensuring their bed-sheets, mattress, and rugs aren’t filthy.
On the other hand, Cora Boyd, a dating coach for men, advises that even though a potential lover “doesn’t have to be the poster child for Architectural Digest,” they should put “some effort into a comfortable and welcoming space.” Her no-nos include things that could make a hook-up feel awkward like “having religious icons or family photos positioned near the bed.” Professional dating coaches, like Andersen and Boyd, are pushing their clients to strive to be their best selves. Still, after a few years—or even months—of dating around, most people should come to realize that they can’t expect romantic prospects to be absolutely perfect. Eventually, you become more accustomed to eccentricities and develop a better understanding of your own personal taste. While Andersen and Boyd encourage a minimal classiness, even the cleanest, tasteful space can feature something that’s a bit off.
For example, Vita Haas, co-founder of the pop-up boutique Café Forgot, has had her fair share of dating misadventures. During a particularly horrific date, she hooked up with a guy who had a Scarface poster hanging over his bed. “It felt like I was losing my virginity all over again,” Haas remembers. Another time, the gentleman she went home with had another woman’s bra casually lying around his room—a total deal breaker. Since Haas herself is messy, so she doesn’t necessarily mind when a guy’s room is a tad dirty, rather, she advises men to simply avoid making their dates “feel like you don’t even care about what they think.”
Of course, there are those bedroom red flags aren’t as nuanced as, say, a movie poster. We TV personality Nikki Allure tells Playboy about a nightmarish night that ended with her discovering a used condom in her date’s bedroom. “I was turned off by the lack of a respect,” she remembers. Allure proceeded to fake stomach cramps to avoid any sexual contact. In a similar vein, Heather Marianna, CEO of Beauty Kitchen and star of the Bravo reality show Tour Group, calls to mind one moment when she felt disgusted by the state of her date’s bedroom. Even though she felt some genuine chemistry with the guy, and liked how the evening was going, it all imploded when she entered his bedroom. Marianna recalls how the guy was living as if he was a “frat boy bachelor” and had “bottles of liquor throughout his room like they were trophies.”
Part of both the thrill and anxiety of dating are the unexpected curveballs. Even if you hire a Feng Shui specialist and make sure that your room is free of used condoms and empty liquor bottles, seemingly innocuous things can suddenly become deal breakers. What you might think is casual could potentially lead to your date being turned off. For instance, while many owners feel comfortable letting their dogs lounge in the bedroom, it could lead to a disaster with a new partner. Singer-songwriter Joe Marson was once attacked by a woman’s dog who mistook sex for its owner getting attacked. To avoid those catastrophic scenarios, Boyd advises her clients to make their bedrooms a “no-pet zone.” She continues, “No one wants their REM sleep interrupted by a hyper feline sitting on their head.”
But there’s only so much anyone can do to plan ahead and avoid catastrophe. Ezra Ewen, a filmmaker, is turned off by chemical air fresheners. Having grown up with an asthmatic mother who couldn’t be around “artificial smells,” he also became sensitive to scents. He tells Playboy that one time, in the midst of hooking up, he lost his erection because he “could simultaneously smell” his “date’s chemical air freshener and the litter box she was trying to mask.” How could Ewen’s date possibly have known about his unique relationship to scents? Should we include any and all turn offs in our Tinder biographies? Any space can be salvageable when there’s a genuine sense of chemistry. Carla Perez-Gallardo, chef and co-owner of Lil’ Deb’s Oasis, once went on an “island swimming adventure” date that was dreamily romantic. But later on, the adventure ended with Perez-Gallardo on a houseboat, confronting the bleak reality of a “four foot by three foot triangle for a bed, dirty sheets, and a pretty big mess.” However, she said the “saving grace was my date was incredibly charming” and “funny.”
Over time, you could learn to love someone’s mess. And ultimately, red flags are pretty subjective. You never really can know your date’s secret desires. What one person thinks is absolutely atrocious, another might think is indicative of a potential connection. For instance, if Haas hypothetically had an Al Pacino fetish, she would have been totally turned on by the aforementioned Scarface poster. During the day leading up to a date, you could easily spend hours obsessing over every facet of your existence, but once you get into that Uber, you have to relinquish control.
Putting in any amount of effort should be obvious. Make your space look like you’re excited about expecting company and let the rest work itself out. There is always another opportunity to make a new friend. And chances are, if you organize your closet and hide those cute photos of your ex, your bedroom will be merely an afterthought to everything else that may or may not happen that night.