Editor’s note: Maria Orrego is a Sex Therapist & Registered Psychotherapist. She is also the founder of Sex Off the Pedestal and co-host of the podcast Spill the Tea with Will & Maria. Follow her on Instagram, X, and Threads for more advice on how to keep your sex life satisfying.

Dear Playboy Advisor,

I’ve always been a little adventurous in the bedroom, but there’s something I’ve been fantasizing about that I’ve never actually said out loud. I want to explore kink with my partner, but I have no idea how to bring it up. What if they think it’s weird? What if they judge me? What if what I want isn’t what they want? 

I love our sex life, but I crave more excitement, play, and maybe a little… edge. How do I bring this up without freaking them out? And where do we even start if they’re open to it?

Sincerely,
Kinky but Clueless

Dear Kinky but Clueless,

Ah, the classic bedroom dilemma: You’re fantasizing about silk ties, whispered commands, or maybe a little yes, sir/no, ma’am action, but your partner? They have no idea. Let’s get you both on the same page. 

Bringing up kink can feel as intimidating as showing up to a black-tie event in nothing but a trench coat (highly recommend a night out like this too by the way). But here’s the truth: Most people have something they secretly fantasize about but are too nervous to say. So let’s get you from “What if they think I’m weird?” to “Holy sh*t, we’re actually doing this.” The transition can be thrilling! 

First, Let’s Debunk the Myths

Before you panic about your partner running for the hills, let’s clear up a few things:

1. Kink is more common than you think. Studies show that a huge chunk of the population has kinky desires, from light spanking to full-blown BDSM. In other words? You’re far from alone. And it’s a beautiful community. 
2. It doesn’t mean something is “wrong” with your sex life. Wanting to explore kink isn’t a sign that your current sex life is bad, it’s a sign that you’re curious and invested in keeping things exciting. It’s a sign that your sexuality isn’t stagnate but rather fluid & evolving. 
3. Your partner might be into it, they just haven’t told you yet. Many people keep their fantasies locked away because they think you wouldn’t be into them. Imagine the irony. This is exactly why communication about sex is so important. 

Now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s get to the fun part, bringing it up without making it awkward.

How to Introduce Kink Without Killing the Mood

The golden rule? Make this conversation feel like a sexy invitation, not a confession. Here’s how:

1. Set the Scene
   Timing is everything. Don’t blurt it out mid-grocery run or right after sex (too much pressure!). Instead, find a relaxed moment, maybe over a glass of wine, during pillow talk, or even while watching a spicy movie together. Always read the room and your partner before spilling this all out. 
2. Use Playful Curiosity
   Instead of saying, “I have this kink, and I hope you’re into it,” try:
   • “I read something the other day about (insert kink here)… What do you think about that?”
   • “Have you ever had a fantasy you’ve never told me about?”
   • “I had the sexiest dream last night… want to hear?” (Hint: Describe your fantasy as a dream first, it’s an easy way to gauge their reaction.)
3. Frame It as an Experience to Explore Together
   If your partner is hesitant, remind them this isn’t about “changing” your sex life, it’s about enhancing it. Something like:
   “I love what we have, and this could be a fun way to explore even more pleasure together.”
4. Start Light, Then Go Deeper
   Not all kinks involve leather, whips, and dungeons. Maybe start with blindfolds, light restraint, or teasing dominance/submission before diving into the deep end. Baby steps. Let’s not scare your partner off. 

Kinky but Clueless? Try This Beginner’s Guide

If your partner is open but unsure where to start, here’s your roadmap:

Sensory Play: Blindfolds, silk scarves, temperature play (ice cubes, warm wax), or teasing with different textures.

Power Dynamics: Try playful dominance and submission, like asking permission before touching or setting fun “rules” in the bedroom.

Dirty Talk & Role-play: Not ready for props? Start with words. Whisper a scenario, let them react, and see where it goes.

Erotica & Kink Lists: Read a steamy book or watch an erotic film together, then talk about what turned you on. Or try a yes/no/maybe list (Google it—it’s a game-changer). 

What If They Say No?

Not every partner will be into everything, and that’s okay. If they’re not feeling it, don’t take it as rejection, see it as an opportunity to find common ground. Ask:

“Is there a version of this that you’d be open to?”
“What’s something you would love to try?”
No pressure at all, I just love that we can talk about this.”

Sometimes, a gentle introduction leads to curiosity later on. And even if they never want to tie you up and call you their daddy, the fact that you opened up? That’s intimacy, right there.

The Takeaway? Kink Is About Connection. 

At its core, kink isn’t just about props, roles, or games (which are all fun & sexy) it’s about trust, vulnerability, and deepening the connection you already have. If you approach it with confidence, curiosity, and playfulness, you might be surprised by how open your partner really is.

Now, go start that conversation and let the games begin. 

Read more of the Playboy Advisor archive here.