Editor’s note: This question about a holiday gift turned awkward comes from the inbox of Cate Osborn, frequent Playboy contributor and Playboy Club creator. We highly recommend you follow Cate on Instagram for more of her wisdom.
Q: Every year, I struggle to figure out what to get my husband for Christmas. We are very comfortable in our income, and so we tend to buy the things that we need when we want them, which makes gift-giving challenging. Last year, I made the (terrible) mistake of making him some of those “good for one massage/good for one blow-job” coupons, and it turned into a Whole Thing where he would try to redeem them and if I wasn’t feeling up for it, he’d act annoyed and frustrated that I wasn’t ready to “perform” and he ultimately gave up on trying to redeem them because I “clearly hadn’t been serious”. This year, I have a bunch of weird anxiety around giving him anything, let alone intimacy. Do you have any advice?
Cate Osborn: It’s totally valid for a partner to feel let down or disappointed if they were looking forward to intimacy and the plan changes, but turning it into, as you said, a “whole thing” and picking fights is not a healthy way to process that disappointment. You do not owe sexual favors to anyone when you are not feeling up for it, and it is your partner’s responsibility to process those emotions in a way that doesn’t leave you feeling like the bad guy. It’s important to give yourself grace here; you were trying to give a thoughtful, sexy gift, but the dynamic around it missed the mark because of mismatched expectations.
Sometimes real life and the real stresses and realities of day-to-day life supercede the fantasy of immediate gratification blowjob coupons. You *always* have the right to say no. Sexual intimacy, (even when offered as a gift), isn’t a performance or a debt owed—it’s a collaboration that requires consent and enthusiasm every time. Being treated like you are “breaking a promise” or doing something wrong by not instantly getting in the mood puts you in the uncomfortable position of feeling pressured to say yes because you don’t want to let your husband down, and that’s not fair to you, at all.
It’s totally reasonable that you’d feel anxiety about gift-giving, especially after that experience. I think that this is a case where you need to have a tough conversation. You don’t have to make it a “whole thing”, but naming it and specifically saying how you feel, might go a long way towards opening a conversation and helping both of you move on.
This year, since it sounds like you’re struggling with intimacy after this incident, maybe focus on a gift that would deepen your connection and start to build intimacy in a way that works for you. The gift of a shared get-away experience or taking an interesting class together is always a great way to build new memories and foster a new type of intimate connection.
Not for nothing, but if your husband is still being a jerk about a Christmas blow job coupon from a year ago, it’s probably worth setting boundaries for how you’d like to approach intimacy and gift-giving moving forward. Maybe something like:
“I want to make sure that whatever we give each other for Christmas feels like a true gift—something freely given without any pressure or expectation. For me, that means focusing on things we can enjoy together without feeling like we owe each other anything.” Think about maybe naming ways that you’d also like to approach getting back into intimacy. What does that look like for you? Talk to him about it. Again- it’s reasonable for him to be disappointed if he was looking forward to intimacy- discuss ways you can plan and arrange for intimacy that works on both your schedules and suits both of your needs.
If he continues to pout or press the point, this may be an above-my-Playboy-pay-grade conversation to have with a couple’s therapist or relationship coach.
The holidays are tough, and it’s super easy (and incredibly common) to lose sight of intimacy and connection during this time of year, and that’s on top of the absolute dumpster fire that 2024 has been. There’s a ton of stress and chaos and unspoken expectations that come along with the “magic of Christmas”- remember to be gentle and patient with yourself. The way through this is to communicate openly and honestly, which is, in its own way, a profoundly thoughtful, vulnerable and meaningful gift, all on its own.
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