Editor’s note: This question about blowjobs comes from the inbox of Cate Osborn, frequent Playboy contributor and Playboy Club creator.

Q: I’m just going to be real with you- my boyfriend loves blowjobs, but I suck at them (pun intended). I want to know: how do I give him an amazing blowjob?

Cate Osborn: Unfortunately, I cannot answer your question, because unless your partner is one of my exes (statistically unlikely), I cannot tell you in any great specificity what your partner will like in terms of blowjobs. However, in the vein of teaching to fish vs. giving them away, I can teach you *exactly* how to learn the answer to this question for your current partner (and anybody else you may find yourself blowing in the future). 

Part One: Talk About It.

1. Ask what your partner likes/enjoys. (Pro-tip: ask your partner how they want to feel rather than experience. “I want to feel cherished and valued” is going to provide a different sexual experience than “use me like your fuck toy, daddy”. Both are valid, but knowing that ahead of time provides valuable context for the experience.

2. If you are unsure about something, clarify. Ask them to show you or demonstrate what types of touch they enjoy, what sensations they like (and don’t like), what feels good, what feels overstimulating, what types of touch or intimacy might be off-limits or need further discussion. You can also do research. There are approximately ten thousand million articles online about “how to give a killer blowjob.” Give it a quick Google and make a note of those “ten tricks to try with your tongue to blow his mind.” Dedicate an evening to intense scientific study. Go down the list and talk about the experience.

If you’re more of a visual learner, I highly recommend checking out ethically made porn focused on mutual pleasure like CrashPad, BrightDesire, PinkLabel.Tv and FrolicMe. These companies feature diverse body types and gender identities participating in joyful, enthusiastic sex which can be excellent for folks who aren’t as sure about what they may or may not be into.

3. Try it out- get consent and commence blow job (or any other spicy activity). This is where open and honest communication is going to serve you best. Erring on the side of over-communicating at first will always work better than silently guessing if your partner is into it. Both parties can initiate and check in. “Do you like it when I __________?” “It feels amazing when you use your tongue like that.” “That’s a little intense for me,” “Can I go deeper?,” “That’s a little uncomfortable, let me shift.”

(An aside: practicing saying “no thank you” or “That doesn’t feel great” is just as important as being able to enthusiastically moan and beg for more. The more comfortable you are giving specific feedback, the better your sex life will be).

4. Repeat, forever. 

Part Two: Asking About It.

*Asking someone what they want can be challenging, because we are often stuck with the following challenges:

In Asking, we can find ourselves in the narrative of:

A: I’ve never asked anyone about this, I’m not sure what to say or how to say it
B: It’s super embarrassing to have to ask these questions out loud, I feel weird/awkward
C: I’m a bad partner for having to ask, people who are good at sex just inherently know, maybe there is something wrong with our relationship
D. I’m scared that they’ll ask for something weird I don’t want to do
E: What if I can’t figure out what they mean and do it wrong?

In Answering, we can find ourselves in the narrative of:

A. No one has ever asked me, so I don’t really know what I want or like
B. I’ve never had to explain this to anyone so I am not sure what to say or how to say it
C. I’m down for whatever and just happy to be here, I don’t really want anything in particular
D. I 100% know but saying it out loud feels scary or demanding or embarrassing or too blunt
E. If she really loved me, they’d know already, I shouldn’t have to say it
F: I’m scared that if I ask, they’lll be weirded out and won’t like me anymore

All of these, dear reader, are concerns based in judgment- judgment of self, judgment of partner, judgment of skill, judgment of “what will they think” or “how will this sound,” and I can tell you with absolute certainty that they are, generally speaking, the #1 reason people struggle with sexual satisfaction in the bedroom. If you’re really struggling with these conversations, individual counseling can be an incredibly useful tool for letting go of the often deeply-internalized shame and guilt many of us carry around talking about sex.

In some cases, sometimes you just really truly don’t know what you want or like, and that is where the scientific method becomes an incredibly useful tool. Experiment. Try new stuff. Get weird (with consent). Afterwards (NOT in the bedroom, I beg you), talk about what you liked, what you didn’t like, what worked, what didn’t work. It can take a while to find a natural rhythm or the best way to be intimate with each other, but as you continue in your thorough, scientific research, you’ll gather data that will allow you to start to get a definitive picture of what you like and don’t like.

Remember too, dear reader, that some experiments fail. You might discover “that feels AWFUL when you do that with your tongue” or “all that does is tickle.”  On a wider scale, you might find yourself discovering “wow, I actually *truly hate* giving blowjobs,” or “actually, oral sex makes me incredibly overstimulated and in my head, it’s not an activity that I prefer.” That is valid and valuable information to know about yourself. Wanting to be good at something because your partner enjoys it is fine, but never, ever force yourself to endure something because you feel pressure or expectation or “but he really, really likes it and I want to be a good girlfriend.”

This, by the way, is also an *ongoing* conversation. As we age, as our hormones shift, generally as we move through the week and have more and less stressful days, what we want/need/desire from our sexual encounters may change. Sometimes you might want to be held. Sometimes, you might want to be treated like a dirty nasty naughty little slut. With ongoing conversation, you never risk the chance of “but you liked it two months ago!”. You’re allowed to change your mind, you’re allowed to be flexible and to flow through all of the different versions of who you are on the day to day.

Enjoy more of The Playboy Advisor archives here.