These are hectic times we are currently living (and dating) in. Uncertainty surrounds numerous aspects of life, especially when it relates to finding an appropriate romantic partner. That leads to a lot of people wondering just how discerning to be when it comes to their love lives. If you’ve ever wondered, “Am I too picky?” then continue reading.
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Naturally, being selective or picky is not the worst trait to have. After all, you want a partner that fits your needs and desires, so it’s okay to be clear about what you want. That said, we are all only human, and just about any couple together for decades will tell you that cliche yet classic advice: Compromise is key.
How to know if you’re being too picky, though? Many take to Reddit to discuss the topic, worrying that perhaps they are (or, not being picky enough). This question has a vast grey area when it comes to the answer, so we decided to ask a few experts for advice.
Am I Too Picky When It Comes to Dating?
Dr. Kate Balestrieri, sex therapist, psychologist, and author of What Happened to My Sex Life: A Sex Therapist’s Guide to Reclaiming Lost Desire, Connection and Pleasure, says that “being picky often means you have standards, and having standards is a healthy practice. However, the more important question is whether your standards are serving your relationship goals or sabotaging them.”
Dr. Balestrieri approaches the issue directly, encouraging you to explore “whether your deal-breakers are rooted in self-respect and compatibility, or are they superficial or unrealistic? (…) Intimacy grows in authenticity and imperfection, so remaining too fixated on aspects of a partner that might be nice to have could leave you missing out on someone wonderful.”
Dating coach and influencer Elsa Moreck also weighed in on the topic of selectiveness and when it can potentially have adverse effects.
Elsa started by explaining that “being too picky is an interesting concept. To help, make a list of all the qualities you want in a partner. Then, ask yourself this critical question: Would this type of person want to be with someone like me?”
The Dating for Men: A Guide for Attracting Women author suggests, “If the above answer is yes, but connections aren’t happening, it may be time to reassess our perceived value in the dating market. Perhaps ask trusted friends what they think of our ‘list’ and how we live up to it.
“Sometimes, the reason we’re too picky is because we figure if no one is good enough for us, then we never have to admit it is us who are lacking. But if that’s the case, then having standards has devolved into placing obstacles between us and love,” Elsa says.
Read more: Can a Bad First Date Be Saved?
Something to Keep in Mind
It is very natural to have dating preferences. However, being too closed off is not necessarily the most beneficial method to find a genuine companion, especially if your previous relationships have been rocky. Being cautious is good, but it can leave you feeling frustrated and lonely if it goes too far.
Self worth and awareness are vital factors when it comes to relationship building. In 2025, folks are increasingly refusing to settle when it comes to their love life, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Still, it is key that we are internally honest and willing to hold ourselves accountable.
Find more relationship stories here.