Securing a first date is half the battle. Now, as you’re likely full of hope and uncertainty, you must get ready to go out with a stranger.
Pat Benatar famously sang that “Love Is a Battlefield.” Dating doesn’t need to be as dramatic but, just like in war, it’s advisable to have a good strategy.
Alright — now that we’ve likened dating to a life-and-death scenario, no pressure — we’ll move on to our very first suggestion:
First Date: Take a Deep Breath
Let’s purposefully relax. It’s only a first date. You’re more likely to succeed if you’re less anxious. Be kind to yourself and let go of some of that internal pressure to be perfect or to have a flawless date. Don’t forget you’re going out with a relative stranger who may or may not be worth your time.
If your date is not with a stranger but with someone you’ve known, then recognize there’s a reason this person wants to go out with you. Whatever you’ve been doing worked.
Brainstorm
You may or may not have an indication of the likes and dislikes of the person you’ll see. If it becomes your responsibility to come up with ideas on what you’ll do together, remember that the core of a successful first date, depending on your intentions, is to establish a deeper connection while beginning to determine compatibility.
Truly knowing if you’re compatible will take far more than one date, so keep the first one light. Find an activity you both may enjoy — preferably something that can facilitate conversation. Preferences undoubtedly vary for first dates. While someone may be perfectly content with getting to know each other through conversation over coffee or drinks, another may find that to be unimaginatively boring.
Here’s your novel relationship’s first opportunity to work together: You could ask for input to help your search or you could provide a few date suggestions and let them pick from the options.
(If you’re just seeking ideas for activities, you’re welcome).
Set Yourself Up for Success Beforehand
We don’t need any last-minute commotion, and sometimes the basics are the easiest to overlook. Again, perfection is not what we’re going for, but first impressions are important and people want to feel like they’re being taken seriously. Showing through actions that you put in effort beforehand is attractive.
Rapid-fire — Are you decently groomed? Did you buy deodorant? Do you have an outfit that demonstrates you’re an adult who can dress yourself, while subtly and unconsciously announcing to the universe that you’re wearing clean underwear? Nails look good?
Don’t overuse cologne/perfume. Mouthwash helps. Be on time.
First Date: During the Date
Congratulations! The day that consumed your thoughts is finally here. The most important piece of advice — guidance that has helped secure healthy relationships for generations — is quite simple and annoyingly cliche: Be yourself.
If you’re annoyed that Playboy is paying me to give such trite advice, remember that for someone to like the real you, you have to be you. Who the hell else would you be?
Before and during the date, however, keep in mind that a 2023 survey found that proper manners is the most important trait sought in a first date, followed by personality, conversational skills and — least important — physical appearance.
Be respectful and polite. Don’t panic if there’s a lull in conversation, which is natural. Try to remember a few compelling questions or stories ahead of time. Don’t overthink.
Oh — and who should pay? There’s no easy answer nowadays. Think about what you’re comfortable with ahead of time and communicate — hopefully within a mutually cooperative spirit.
A 2024 survey focused on finances instead of gender roles found that 44% of people feel that whoever earns more money should pay for the first date, 35% believe it should be split equally and 20% feel that whoever organized and suggested the date should pay.
Considering nearly 70% of people, regardless of gender, stress about money when organizing a date, it’s important to approach the subject tactfully.
The first date can set the tone for your relationship and while talking about money could be awkward, not discussing finances could eventually ruin a blossoming relationship.
After the Date
If you feel comfortable and satisfied with how your date went, be proud of yourself. You put yourself out there and that should be commended. Loneliness is increasing — especially after the COVID-19 pandemic — leading the U.S. Surgeon General in 2023 to call “loneliness, isolation, and lack of connection” a “public health crisis.”
So, what’s the post-date strategy? If you’re interested in a second date, should you send a follow-up text to maintain a line of communication to show you’re still interested? Should you wait a day or two?
Here comes the big reveal: You can’t read minds. Your post-date behavior depends on what you feel is right and what you’ve learned so far about that person. Also, what may feel right for you may not feel right for them. The success of first dates hinges considerably on fanciful elements such as chemistry and whether there was a “spark” or “vibes.” All of those abstract nouns are hard to measure, quantify and analyze — so here’s another opportunity to remind yourself that there’s much outside of your control.
Have thoughtful boundaries, but if your genuine communication, interest and consideration is met with rigidity and ambivalence, then take it as a sign. If you get ghosted, understand that you don’t want to date someone who ghosts others because it can be psychologically harmful (don’t you dare ghost them if you’re not interested).
The bottom line: If someone wants to see you again, they’ll make an effort. If someone’s obtuse and into playing games, which generates mistrust, insecurity and other negatives, either communicate your concern or move the hell on.
Be positive. Be respectful. Be kind. If you feel good about yourself, you’ll have more confidence — confidence is sexy. Good luck out there!
And if things go really well … take our advice and read up on this simple but effective bedroom trick.