Sexuality is a normal part of the majority of people’s lives, but it doesn’t come without its complications, shame or otherwise.
From religious upbringings to our good old pal the patriarchy, both men and women can have a host of reasons to feel paralyzed by shame for desiring or having sex, which can throw a serious wrench into a person’s desire to enjoy pleasure, have babies, and more.
A Redditor posted it about it recently on the sex sub, saying that his wife had started to make comments like “I can’t believe we just did that” after the act. She also admitted to her husband that she felt “down” after sex.
Commenter Consistent_Platypus8 offered a simple, thoughtful bit of advice, saying, “She probably feels ashamed and has internalized shame from whatever reason and I think you need to just reassure her there’s nothing wrong with doing dirty things with your partner who you love . Reassure her no one will know and you won’t judge her for being turned on by anything that isn’t ‘normal’.
Commenter TinyTishTash also brought up a crucial point around shame and sex: religious background.
“Did she grow up in a religious culture that touts the importance of ‘purity’,” the commenter asked. “Lots of people who go through that experience can struggle with their feelings surrounding sex, particularly guilty and shame, which it sounds like she could be experiencing. Introducing new and more “taboo” things like anal play could also trigger these kinds of feelings.”
Commenter Whirdin also lent thoughts to the religion and shame topic, saying in response to the original poster’s comment “we don’t do anything she doesn’t decide on.”
“That doesn’t automatically mean she is comfortable with the things she decides on,” Whirdin said. “I grew up in Christianity also, and it makes us feel ashamed for things that are common. Even nudity is seen as disrespectful. During the moment when it’s just you and her, the desire takes over, and we go ahead with it, but then later on we are disgusted at ourselves for even wanting to do it. It’s definitely a form of regret. She still has guilt for being in past relationships. Just the fact that she has shared sexuality with somebody other than you gives her guilt and depression, like she will never be enough for you.”
A female commenter also shared a personal experience that shed some light.
“I’m a female with a lot of sex experience, experimenting etc. and sometimes I feel fine after sex but then there are times when I just feel so overwhelmed,” Angelikxx13 wrote. “I feel like I want to cry for no reason and feel very vulnerable. I don’t have any sexual trauma, no religious upbringing, just a girl with hormones. Everyone is different and sex can be very intense on our bodies. As long as you have good communication and you keep checking on each other then there is no need to overthink things. Unless of course this is something that happens like every time and is preventing you guys from enjoying each other fully. Therapy or journaling can help a lot even for her to reassure herself that she is safe and work on accepting that this is just her body’s reaction, but also to find out if there’s anything deeper going on.”
If you’re finding some of this relatable and feeling shame around your sexuality, consider seeking out an accredited therapist with experience in this area to help you navigate your emotions. As licensed therapists will tell you, sexual shame is entirely normal and thoroughly treatable.
You deserve to relish pleasure, even if you don’t feel like you do.
More advice for the bedroom:
The Best Sex Trick You’re Not Using
When Is a Safeword Not Really a Safeword?
Is There a Cure for Premature Ejaculation?