In our internet-connected and increasingly globalized world, people are constantly learning more about alternative lifestyles. While monogamy is a perfectly good pick for many, one size does not fit all. That had led many down a path to explore other options (one many might say was paved with the pages of The Ethical Slut).
But before we get into the whys and hows of polyamory, let’s begin with the question those that are unfamiliar often ask first.
What Is Polyamory?
Let’s begin with the polyamory definition:
Polyamory: having or desiring multiple intimate relationships at the same time with the full knowledge and consent of all parties involved.
Polyamory is not to be confused with other types of consensual nonmonogamy such as polygamy, having more than one spouse; swinging or partner swapping; or other types of open relationships in which both partners agree to see other people casually.— Britannica
What sets polyamory apart from other relationships is that the same all-encompassing, meaningful and profound relationship usually seen in traditional monogamous relationships has the possibility of being multiplied.
It’s not casually adding another person to an existing relationship. Polyamory is about having meaningful and transparent relationships with different people who know everything that’s happening and consent to it all.
Types of Polyamory
In a way, polyamory can be a game of “build a relationship.” How exactly do you want to love others? What would you add or take away from the traditional model of partnerships?
There are many types of polyamorous relationships, varying significantly in structure and dynamics. Here are a few:
Triad/Throuple: Instead of everything being 50%/50% in a couple, it’s 33%/33%/33% with some mathematical change. A triad or throuple is the same thing as a couple except there’s an additional, equally as important person. Everyone is equally prioritized romantically and sexually (if desired).
Example — Kristina, Maria and Jenn are in a relationship.
Quad: Imagine a triad/throuple but now it’s four people. Thankfully the math works better now with all power and love being split 25% each.
Example — Brandon, Selima, Deb and Migdalia are in a relationship.
Vee: There’s one person who’s in their own relationship with two separate people. Those “two others” are not romantically involved. They’re just sharing. Think of a triad but one person is being loved by two others who have absolutely no connection outside of the person they share.
Example — Jericho is in a relationship with Juniper. Kordell is in a relationship with Juniper. Juniper is in a relationship with Jericho and Kordell.
Kitchen Table Polyamory: Think polyamory but as a family. All partners are open about all relationships and they spend time together as a group. The dynamic could be as simple as sharing meals or as elevated as raising children.
Example — “You know who’s coming for Thanksgiving dinner, babe? All my other babes. They’re bringing waffle fries and we’ll teach little Jamal how to ride a bike.”
Parallel Polyamory: All relationships by involved partners are separate and the group at large does not spend time together.
Example — “Let’s figure out the holiday schedule because I have three meaningful relationships and only a limited amount of time.”
Is Polyamory Right for You?
It’s quite a personal question. Be honest and ask yourself: Are you truly open to sharing your heart with multiple people? Can you handle the complexities that come with polyamory, like potential jealousy or schedule conflicts?
It’s crucial to have open and honest communication with your potential partners. Make sure everyone’s on the same page about expectations, boundaries and what this arrangement might look like. Outline the structure of the relationship and respectfully communicate quickly if some things aren’t working. Resoundingly reassure others about the things that are working.
Whether polyamory is for you, there’s no immediate right or wrong answer. As you explore, be true to yourself and to those you love. And remember, polyamory is all about communication, so if you think it might work for you, get in the habit of talking openly – it’s a skillset you’ll absolutely be leaning on!
For clarity about another relationship style, read Playboy’s attempt to define the purposefully undefined ‘situationships.‘
