Editor’s note: This story about how to navigate during cybersex was originally published on Playboy.com in 2019 and written by author Lauren Rowello.
You open your favorite messaging app to start a video call with your significant other. The line trills until you see their face emerge onto the screen in front of you. You laugh and say hello, but now what? With the constant stressors of 2020, you might find yourself too depressed or uncertain about how to tend to your relationship despite wanting to explore intimacy. Cybersex with a partner can be overwhelming for couples camming together for the first time, with a global pandemic separating us from each other, there aren’t many other opportunities to connect.
I applied what I learned from years as a cam girl to my own long-distance relationship with a spouse who has traveled frequently for both military deployments and a civilian job. Although my spouse and I are quarantining together, we’ve spent most of our marriage navigating time apart—and maintaining our sex life from a distance kept us healthier as individuals while also strengthening our bond.
If you want to try cybersex but you aren’t sure how to get started, these tips will help you and your partner enjoy the experience once the camera blinks on.
Make Time for “The Talk”
Sending a few unannounced nudes won’t help you get this conversation started. It’s important to discuss risks, goals and boundaries before you send anything steamy. Embrace your own vulnerability by explaining why you want to try cybersex and gauge your partner’s comfort level.
Honest, thorough discussions were a critical part of keeping me safe and comfortable during sex work—and also ensured that we’d both find authenticity and affirmation in the encounter. Establishing goals and boundaries makes that possible and keeps everyone on the same page. It’s crucial that all parties completely consent to the activities you’ll pursue together and that everyone’s needs are met.
Even if you have a comfortable, secure sex life together in person, your online time together will be a different experience. If you’re feeling too shy or inexperienced to talk about what you’re open to exploring, use Kindu or similar apps to initiate those conversations. If you’ve been doing this for a while, but you aren’t really fulfilled by the encounters, talk about what you’d like to change.
Find an App You Both Trust
Even in a trusting relationship, sensitive data can still be leaked if someone intercepts images, videos or live feeds. You’ll need to decide together if that risk influences whether you’ll show your faces or private areas of your bodies on cam. To mitigate some risk, I recommend using Signal because of its end-to-end encryption and other safety features. If you’re interested in incorporating toys, try Lovense, which offers interactive sex toys that allow couples to control each other’s experiences from a distance. You can try other toys that offers similar features, but I like this one for its secure platform.
Choose a Comfortable Spot
And plan to be there a while. I always appreciate spending time together before getting to the deed. It’s like foreplay to foreplay if we can to share a game or laugh together. Instead of hopping on camera already in the nude, treat this experience like a date. You’re spending time with someone you know and care about, so make sure they know they mean more to you than the sex itself.
When it’s time to get down to business, you’ll have settled into your cozy nook. Check in with each other to make sure you’re both ready before transitioning to intimacy. Don’t be the person who just, well, whips it out—unless you know you’re both into that
Spy on Each Other
If you’ve been at this a while or you want to be more adventurous, consider moving to a less traditional location where you can be more playful—like the shower, outside in a secluded backyard or on the kitchen table with some dessert. Of course, you could interact with your partner during this time, but I think it’s fun to pretend I don’t even know they’re watching. Bring a desk lamp with you to act as a spotlight or choose a space with natural sunlight if you want your partner to see you well. Opt for a darker room for a grittier, voyeuristic experience.
Use More of Your Senses
Cybersex often focuses on the sights and sounds on-screen, but it’s just as important to make sure you enjoy the tastes, smells, and touch of the experience. On a video chat, I once made my partner come by eating apple slices. You could entice your partner with another sexy treat. Prepare the same meal or eat a similar dessert together if you want to feel connected. Dim the lights and light candles to set the mood for yourself. Use a clothing item that smells like your partner or order some of their signature scent to make them feel closer. Enjoy the experience as a holistic encounter if you need help feeling present or want to pamper yourselves.
Tease and Tempt
It’s empowering to be a bit of a tease. Experiences where both my partner and I remain modest are often even sexier and more exciting for me. The outfits you’re used to seeing each other in—lounge clothes, a work uniform or office attire—will likely feel familiar but invoke a sense of longing if you’ve been apart for a while.
If you prefer not to strip and show off your bodies, watch each other’s lips, listen to each other’s whispers and moans, and notice each other’s subtle reactions in the shoulders or brows. Look right at the camera lens instead of the screen to appear as though you’re gazing deeply into your partner’s eyes. Bite your lip or smirk to let your partner know you’re feeling naughty. The tension in these moments will help you build enough confidence to take it to the next level if you choose, but sometimes teasing is all that’s needed to get off.
Try New Positions
Most men I’ve shared these experiences with sit at a desk or in bed with their cameras pointed at their crotch, but I’m less intrigued by someone’s pumping hand. There’s nothing wrong with shoving your bottom up close to the screen or highlighting other private parts if you and your partner prefer, but I long to watch facial expressions—especially a partner’s eyes widening with exhilaration or closing slightly as they relax. If both partners are willing, incorporate some aspect of sharing your faces—even if it doesn’t include the rest of your bodies—instead of solely swapping images of your genitals.
Your body’s position will dictate how you’re connecting with your partner, and it might make a big difference to both of you. Do you and your partner want an experience that’s more romantic? Raunchy? Don’t be afraid to request a shift in position or adjust your own camera as needed. This kind of communication is important, just like it’s important to say something if a certain position, touch or rhythm isn’t working when you’re in person—or if you’re dying to see part of your partner’s body that they’ve been too shy to show.
If you want to direct each other, you could play a game of alternating Simon Says. Games, such as Sex Dice and Truth or Dare, will spice things up. Move around and play with the zoom as needed to show each other a new view.
Watch Yourself on Camera
I tend to keep my own camera’s feed in a small box at the top center of my screen so I can keep an eye on what I look like as I also look into the lens. I feel more comfortable knowing exactly what I’m showing to my partner, and it can be fun to learn more about what my facial expressions and body look like while I’m in the zone. I suggest using this feature to help you explore your own body when you want to and hiding that view if it becomes too distracting.
Show Each Other What You Like
Although cybersex doesn’t have to be a tutorial, it’s still a perfect format to show your partner how you love to be touched. Camming showed my spouse how to help me reach orgasm. I’m very familiar with my body, and a mobile camera lets me show them exactly what I want them to rub, lick or suck without the awkward fumbles of an in-person encounter. I get to say out loud what I want them to do to me without the pressure of them feeling like they need to get there now.
Avoid using yes-or-no questions to lead the conversation. Say things like, “What do you wish I could do to you right now?” and “How should I use my hands and tongue?” Explain your own needs and use this opportunity to show while you tell. This time apart will help you come back together with an even stronger connection if you use the time to share about your desires and teach each other new moves on-screen.