The right timing is invaluable. For example, both you and your partner may love Chinese food but sometimes you’re not in the mood simultaneously. With free use, you can always order Chinese.
Sex is similar — and nailing the timing on when both parties want to do it can be confusing after the honeymoon period. But there’s actually a kink that some couples practice that is a fun way of circumventing the timing problem.
What Is Free Use?
“Free use” means an agreement is made between two people, usually in a partnership of some form, in which a blanket consent is agreed upon for sexual activity. Some couples might choose to declare a free use weekend, for example.
Free use, in essence, is rooted in BDSM’s dominant/submissive kink. Sex can occur any which way — there doesn’t need to be a power dynamic strictly enforced — but the “dom” in this scenario is choosing the time and place while the “sub” is complying.
It’s meant to be a liberating sexual experience from the pressure of monogamy. The goal of free use is to allow a couple to enjoy sexuality without restrictions, while enjoying a bit of play. It also helps to avoid the feeling of rejection when one partner comes on to another and they’re not in the mood.
However, like most kinks, this basic explanation is only skimming the surface. Reddit has some great thread on free use that show a wider range of how it can show up in practice.
A ‘Yes, Kinda’ Invitation to Free Use
On Reddit’s r/ sex community, BumblebeeCantTalk asked how to approach discussing free use with their girlfriend after she hinted at the possibility.
“Yesterday my girlfriend told me jokingly via text that I am never really jumping her animalistically. I asked her if this is an invitation to do it and ‘use’ her whenever I want to. And she responded with ‘Yes, Kinda’,” the non-verbal insect wrote, also asking for clarification due to confusion because she “sometimes turned me down when we were laying on the bed and watching a movie.”
The supportive Redditors gave the OP plenty of advice and clarification. They suggest clear communication, easing into free use and applying verbal and non-verbal strategies.
“It’s vital that you first talk to your partner to figure out what she’s OK with and how you can behave about this. Clarify how much preparation she needs if you’re planning on having intercourse because few things can kill sexy time as quickly as just trying to ram it in there. Set up a safe word,” u/ A-Ok-Chemistry wrote. “Some couples use signals for this, like for free use while in bed not wearing underwear can mean ‘just start using me as a fuck toy’ while wearing underwear would mean the opposite.”
“If you want to ease into it you could start by her making her hand available for free use at any time – unless she revokes consent – so you could walk up to her, grab her hand and make her give you a hand job. Progress from there,” u/ A-Ok-Chemistry added.
“If she wants free use, then the best suggestion I’ve heard is that she wear something. Be it a particular color, or a bracelet or necklace or something. And if she’s wearing that thing she’s giving consent to just be taken. If she’s not, then it’s things as they normally are,” u/ shadowwolf892 wrote.
Free Use Still Sounds Pretty Good?
You’ve weighed the pros. You’ve considered the cons. You still want to take your relationship to an unbelievably satisfactory level.
Proposing a free use relationship requires careful consideration and open communication. You’ll need time to work through this discussion so choose a private, quiet setting where you won’t be interrupted.
Be open and honest about your feelings and desires, explaining what free use means to you and why you’re interested in exploring it. Give your partner space to express their thoughts and feelings, listening attentively and responding empathetically.
Next up, discuss expectations regarding boundaries, communication and safety. If your partner expresses concerns, be calm and respectful. Reassure your partner of your commitment to the relationship.
Need a somewhat-relevant song to hype you up before asking your partner about free use? It’s a stretch and little on the nose but why not:
Interested in safe words? Choosing the right safe word is a little too important not to take seriously.
