It’s seemingly easy enough when it comes to bedroom play to establish a safeword — just use it if one becomes uncomfortable, and all the uncomfortable things come to a stop.
Right?
Well, it’s not always as straightforward as that. A Redditor posting on the sex sub recently talked about a situation with a new girlfriend that shows just how complex the concept of a safeword can get.
“Hey all, I’m in a new relationship (mid 20s) and my girlfriend and I have agreed on blanket consent with a safeword,” Redditor Ordinary-Proposal451 wrote in a post on Oct. 8. “We enjoy rough play, which includes some very forceful elements, and she’s usually into it once we get going. The thing is, I’m always the one initiating, and sometimes it feels like I’m pushing her more than I’d like at first.
For some background, it took us 1 month to have sex, and she hasn’t yet given me head (not exactly sure why, I’m ok with it for now, but I want eventually).
So far (and I know that the relationship is new), I always have to initiate sex.
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During foreplay, she’ll always say “stop,” but I usually continue since she hasn’t used the safeword. She says she’s comfortable with it, but I want to make sure I’m respecting her boundaries. She also doesn’t like to talk about sex outside the moment, so it’s been hard to get direct feedback on how she feels about this.
for example, during foreplay she’ll tell me to stop and I ignore it (because she’s not using the safe word), and then I’ll forcefully take off her pants/underwear and escalate from there. Once I start to finger her she always gets into it and sex proceeds as normal.
We have a good relationship otherwise, and she doesn’t feel like I am abusing her or mention any problematic behavior after sex.
She also has never used the safe word, but has threatened to use it a couple of times and I take that as a hard stop. I can also tell the difference “hehe, stop” and “STOP” (most of the time, I always err on the side of caution) She doesn’t want to use it due to ‘awkwardness’.”
Commenters were quick to point out that without proper communication, the issue would be nigh impossible to solve.
“Blanket consent is not the way to start,” replied RedditorMister_Magnus42. “It might be a goal, but the way to start is with explicit consent. ‘I want to do X,Y, and Z. How does that sound to you?’ When you have consent, then talk through what those things look like to each of you. You’ve got way too many “I don’t know why” and “I’m not sure” issues to play with blanket consent and rely on a safeword to cover your ass. You need to have some hard conversations.”
“In BDSM where people spend a lot of time thinking about this kind of thing, it is common to refuse to play with someone who you don’t trust to use their safeword, so you feeling uncomfortable with this is absolutely normal and good imo,” Redditor listenyall replied.
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After gathering feedback, the original poster updated with a list of questions so good that you should add to your own repertoire—especially if you practice anything in the realm of BDSM. Communication is key, y’all.
“I’m going to ask the following questions:
- How do you feel about using a safe word during sex?
- Are you comfortable with the way I initiate sex, or would you like a different approach?
- What are your boundaries when it comes to rough play, like choking or slapping?
- Can we clarify what “stop” means for you during sex, and should I always take it literally?
- How do you feel about using condoms or birth control during sex?
- Are you sure you’re comfortable with the risks of unprotected sex, including pregnancy?
- Are there things from your past sexual experiences that affect how you feel about sex now?
- Would you prefer for me to take things more slowly sometimes, without rough elements?
- Are you familiar with aftercare, and is there anything specific you need after our sessions?
- What do you like or dislike during sex that we haven’t talked about yet?
- Would it be helpful for us to talk about sex through messages or notes if face-to-face is too awkward?
- How can I help you feel more comfortable initiating sex?”