Editor’s note: This question about a discussing kink comes from the inbox of Cate Osborn, frequent Playboy contributor and Playboy Club creator. We highly recommend you follow Cate on Instagram for more of her wisdom.
Q: There’s no classy way to say it, but my wife is …dry. We had a great sex life, we’re able to talk about everything, and we generally made a lot of time to be together and enjoy each other in the bedroom, but she is always has been pretty much consistently dry, which can make sex uncomfortable to start. I feel, partly, like it’s my fault, or like maybe she’s ‘just not that into me’. I want to talk to her about it, but I don’t want her to feel embarrassed, I’m just worried that I’m doing something wrong.
Cate Osborn: To quote a great scholar, ‘it do be like that sometimes’. Not all women get aroused (read: wet) at the drop of a hat. Also, to put it bluntly– it probably has nothing do with you, good buddy.
Vaginal dryness during intimacy can happen for a ton of different reasons, and it’s rarely about attraction or interest. Even more than that, some women are just naturally more …lubricated…than others. It may be that your wife is well within *her* specific normal amount of arousal, and so approaching it as “a problem that needs fixing” might not be the best tactic to take. The problem here is that sex is uncomfortable, and that’s of greatest concern. Jumping to penetrative sex before she’s ready can result in pain, discomfort, tearing and even infections in some cases, so you’ll want to avoid jamming the ol’ hot dog down the hallway if the hallway isn’t quite open for visitors yet.
Speaking broadly and generally, arousal in women is tied to a deeply complex mix of emotional, physiological, and situational factors- everything from stress at work or home to ongoing issues like menopause and neurodivergence can affect arousal and interest in intimacy. The good news is that there are ways to talk about it and things you can do to improve your sex life and support your wife without blaming her or making it “her fault”.
The truth is that until the early 2000’s, we were kind of sold a lie about how sex works- this idea that “me want sex now” makes you instantly ready to have sex, and being instantly ready to have sex means that you’re wet or hard at the drop of a hat. In reality…it doesn’t really work that way, but a lot of our conversations about sex are couched in this fundamental misunderstanding.
Now, we know better. There has been a ton of fascinating research into the female sexual response cycle, and the #1 development is that science is catching up with (and what women have known for all of fucking time)– arousal is rarely a linear event. Women’s sexual experiences often depend on a mix of factors, including *why* you’re engaging in intimacy, the broader context of what’s going on at the moment, and my *personal* favorite, what’s called responsive desire—arousal that builds as intimacy progresses rather than starting spontaneously.
In less prosaic terms, your wife might need more time and engagement to be ready (both physically and mentally) for penetrative intimacy. All of the usual ‘sexpert’ recommendations I’d give you come into play here- spending a longer time on foreplay, discussion/connecting outside the bedroom, teasing beforehand, considering environmental factors- they’ll all play a hand in helping both of you connect more during intimacy while also avoiding uncomfortable sex.
It may also be worth mentioning- you didn’t say how old your wife is, but hormonal changes, particularly during perimenopause (and full-blown menopause), can also play a major role. As women age, declining estrogen levels can lead to dryness and thinning of the vaginal lining, which can make for uncomfortable sex.
If you want my blunt, short answer solution, buy some lube if you’re not using it already. Lubricants and vaginal moisturizers can help immediately and immensely- and if you’re one of those guys who says lube is “cheating” or somehow minimizes the experience, literally get over yourself, lube is a tool in your tool box to maximize pleasure with ease and speed, don’t be weird about it. I recommend a water-based lube to start (free from glycerin, paraben, capsaicin, benzocaine, added fragrances and (sorry), flavors, and always remember to do a test to make sure there aren’t any allergies or skin issues first. There are literally hundreds of incredible lubes out there- I recommend you look at Uberlube, Aloe Cadabra and Sliquid as reliable and generally healthy-for-the-hoo-ha brands.
Kudos to you, Laurence, for wanting to support your wife’s sexual health from a place of care, concern and love. Now go forth and lubricate.
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