Editor’s note: Maria Orrego is a Sex Therapist & Registered Psychotherapist. She is also the founder of Sex Off the Pedestal and co-host of the podcast Spill the Tea with Will & Maria. Follow her on Instagram, X, and Threads for more advice on how to keep your sex life satisfying.

Dear Playboy Advisor,

I never thought I’d be that person, the one who suddenly loses interest in sex. But here I am, staring at my partner’s naked body, feeling absolutely nothing. No spark, no rush, no hunger. It’s like my libido packed its bags and skipped town without a forwarding address.

I know menopause (or perimenopause) is partly to blame, but no one ever told me how much it would mess with my desire. I miss wanting sex. I miss feeling sexy. And honestly? I’m worried my partner misses it too.

How do I get my sex drive back? Is it gone for good, or is there still hope?

Sincerely,
Feeling Like a Desert Down There

Dear Feeling Like a Desert Down There,

First of all, let’s get one thing straight: Losing your libido (also known as your arousal and desire) during perimenopause or menopause is completely normal. You’re not broken, and you’re definitely not alone. But I know that doesn’t make it any less frustrating.

Menopause is like a wild hormonal rollercoaster,  and you didn’t exactly sign up for the ride, but here you are, gripping the safety bar and wondering when it ends. Between dropping estrogen levels, mood swings, and that charming vaginal dryness, it’s no surprise that your sex drive might be MIA. But here’s the good news: It’s not gone forever. It just needs a little persuasion. 

Let’s talk about how to wake up your arousal and make your sex life hotter than a midlife hot flash.

Why Menopause Messes with Your Libido (And How to Fight Back)

1. Hormonal Havoc
   Estrogen is a key player in keeping things juicy, literally. When levels drop, so does natural lubrication, making sex uncomfortable (or even painful). Less estrogen can also mean fewer feel-good neurotransmitters like dopamine, which can leave you feeling “meh” about sex. Nobody wants that.
   Fix it: Talk to your doctor about options like bioidentical hormone therapy, vaginal estrogen creams, or supplements. Science is on your side here, let’s use it to our advantage. 
2. Stress, Sleep & Mood Killers
   Perimenopause can be a full-body rebellion. Sleep goes to hell, anxiety spikes, and stress levels shoot up. And nothing murders arousal faster than exhaustion and a fried nervous system. Stress is not our friend in this case.
   Fix it: Prioritize sleep, try stress-reducing activities (think yoga, breathwork, or a really good orgasm, more on how below), and get serious about self-care. Real self-care, nurturing your body with intention, not just a manicure. 
3. A Changing Body = A Changing Relationship with Yourself
   If you’re feeling less confident in your body, it’s no wonder your sex drive has hit pause. But here’s a secret: Confidence is the real aphrodisiac. Get to know the new you with kindness and curiosity, not judgement.
   Fix it: Instead of focusing on what’s changed, lean into what makes you feel sexy now. Buy lingerie that makes you feel amazing, dance naked in front of the mirror, or find new ways to explore pleasure on your own terms.

Reigniting the Fire: How to Get Your Groove Back

So, how do you bring back the want? You get creative (and you don’t give up on your beautiful body).  Here’s your game plan:

Redefine What Sexy Means to You
Maybe you’re not turned on the same way you were in your 20s, and that’s okay. Desire evolves, changes and flows. Instead of chasing old sparks, find new ways to turn yourself on: erotica, sensual touch, even dirty daydreaming.

Introduce More Non-Penetrative Pleasure
When sex feels like a chore, take the pressure off. Focus on pleasure rather than performance. Try erotic massage, mutual masturbation, or extended foreplay. When there’s no “goal,” arousal often sneaks back in. The focus is always pleasure, don’t forget that. 

Lube Is Your Best Friend
Seriously: If vaginal dryness is killing the mood, invest in a high-quality silicone or hybrid lubricant. No more discomfort, just slippery, toe-curling fun. Try different brands until you find the right now that works for you. 

Explore Erotica & Audio Porn
If your body isn’t getting the message, give your brain a head start. Try erotic fiction (hello, dirty books), listen to steamy audio stories, or even dip your toes into visual erotica. Sometimes, you just need a little inspiration. 

Introduce Toys & New Sensations
Vibrators, suction toys, warming gels, and pleasure tech has come a long way. And if your body needs a jumpstart, why not give it a little help? Let’s experiment and try new things with an open mind. 

What About Your Partner?

If you’re worried about how your lack of sex drive is affecting your relationship, have an open (and hot) conversation about it. Try:

 “I love being intimate with you, but my body has been going through changes. Can we explore new ways to connect?”

“I miss feeling turned on. Want to help me figure out what works now?”

This isn’t about getting back to how things used to be, it’s about discovering what excites you now. And if you bring your partner into that journey? Things can get very interesting.

The Takeaway? Your Sex Life Isn’t Over, It’s Just Entering a New Chapter

Menopause doesn’t have to mean the end of passion, it’s just a new phase of desire. With the right mindset (and a little creativity), your sex life can be just as thrilling, steamy, and deeply satisfying as ever. Maybe even more.

So, here’s my final piece of advice: Stop waiting for desire to magically return. Go find it. It’s still there, waiting for you to claim it.

Now, go light that fire.

Read more of the Playboy Advisor archive here.