Editor’s note: Maria Orrego is a Sex Therapist & Registered Psychotherapist. She is also the founder of Sex Off the Pedestal and co-host of the podcast Spill the Tea with Will & Maria. Follow her on Instagram, X, and Threads for more advice on how to keep your sex life satisfying.
Dear Playboy Advisor,
I love my partner, we have a great relationship, but our sex drives are miles apart. I’m always the one initiating, fantasizing, wanting more. My partner? Not so much. They don’t see sex as essential, and when I bring it up, they brush it off or say, “Isn’t our relationship great without it?” Or “We have enough sex, some people have sex less than we do.”
And sure, it is in most ways. But this leaves me feeling like I’m not enough., like I’m not desirable, sexy, or wanted. It’s starting to mess with my confidence & my self-worth. I absolutely hate this feeling. I don’t want to resent them or force something they don’t want. But I also crave that deep, raw, intoxicating connection that comes with a playful, adventurous sex life. I’m too young to feel this old in bed.
How do I talk to them without making them feel pressured? And, more importantly, how do we bridge this gap so we’re both happy?
Sincerely,
Feeling Unfulfilled
Dear Feeling Unfulfilled,
Ah, desire discrepancy, the not-so-sexy villain creeping into even the best relationships. Making its way into our bedrooms. And trust me, you are not alone in this struggle. Almost every long-term couple will, at some point, face the reality that one partner’s libido is doing a striptease while the other’s is curled up in sweatpants watching Netflix. Neither are a bad thing, we just need to see if we can find a balance.
But let’s get something straight: your need for sex, play, and passion isn’t wrong, and neither is your partner’s lower desire. This isn’t about “fixing” either of you, it’s about understanding why sex matters and how to rekindle intimacy in a way that feels mutual, electric, and exciting. Let’s take a deep breath together and see if we can come up with some answers for you.
Why Sex Is More Than Just Sex
For many people, sex isn’t just about orgasms (though, let’s be honest, those are a major perk). It’s about connection, chemistry, and the kind of raw intimacy that keeps relationships vibrant. It’s about feeling wanted, that primal, intoxicating energy that says, I see you. I crave you, I want you & I can’t wait to have you.
Science backs this up: regular sex boosts oxytocin (the bonding hormone), reduces stress, improves sleep, and increases relationship satisfaction. But beyond biology, sex is a language, a way we communicate desire, love, playfulness & connection.
So when one partner deprioritizes sex, the other can feel rejected, unseen, or undesirable (these are such icky feelings that they can lead to some very awful intrusive thoughts). Not because sex is the only form of intimacy, but because it’s one of the most visceral ones.
But here’s the key: your partner might not see it that way. For some, sex is just one piece of the relationship puzzle, not the glue holding it together. And if they feel pressured? They’ll retreat even more. Sex can be such a vulnerable and fragile subject in a relationship, but communication is key.
So, how do you approach this in a way that doesn’t feel like a demand but does invite curiosity, pleasure, and possibility?
How to Have the (Sexy) Talk Without Killing the Mood
The biggest mistake couples make? They only talk about sex when not having sex, usually in moments of frustration, rejection, or desperation. This will lead to fighting and a negative feedback loop. That’s what we don’t want. If you want real progress, shift the vibe from “What’s wrong?” to “What’s possible?” Explore with curiosity not judgement.
Here’s how:
- Set the Scene: Pick a relaxed moment, maybe after a fun night out or while lounging together, to start the conversation. Keep it light, flirty, and curious. “I love feeling close to you. I miss that spark. What turns you on these days?”
- Use “I” Statements: Avoid blame or pressure. Instead of “You never want sex,” try, “I love when we connect physically, it makes me feel closer to you.”
- Ask the Right Questions: Explore what’s behind their lack of interest. Are they stressed? Tired? Feeling disconnected? Sometimes low libido isn’t about you, it’s about life getting in the way. Take this time to listen and learn about your partner’s inner life.
- Introduce Playfulness: Sex doesn’t have to mean penetration. Suggest non-pressured intimacy: making out, mutual touch, or simply laying naked together. Desire often builds when there’s no expectation. A hot bath together is intimate, fun and full of vulnerable connection.
Bridging the Desire Gap
If your partner isn’t naturally prioritizing sex, help them rediscover its magic. Think of it like going to the gym: sometimes you don’t feel like doing it, but once you start, you remember why it’s so damn good. Start slow, with consent and a curious attitude.
Create Anticipation: Build excitement before the bedroom. Flirty texts, suggestive whispers, or a cheeky reminder of that one time you… (well, you get the idea).
Explore New Fantasies: Ask them what they do enjoy. Maybe they’re turned on by slow, sensual build-up or something a little more adventurous. (Hint: Role-play, sensual massage, or guided erotic stories are great ways to tap into hidden desires.)
Non-Sexual Intimacy: Not all connections are about sex. Kissing without expectation, slow-dancing in the kitchen, or just holding each other, these small moments can reignite the spark.
When to Call in a Pro
If you’ve had the talk, tried new approaches, and still feel stuck, it might be time to bring in a sex therapist (ahem, like yours truly). A neutral third party can help uncover deeper dynamics at play, whether it’s unresolved emotional barriers, mismatched love languages, or past experiences affecting desire.
The Takeaway? Make Sex Playful Again
Sexual connection isn’t about who wants it more or less, it’s about co-creating an experience that feels exciting, fulfilling, and free of pressure for both of you. And if you approach this with curiosity instead of frustration, you might just unlock a new level of intimacy you never saw coming.
Now, go turn up the heat. 🔥